My life started when my mum sent me to India at the age of nine. I was not happy to go but had no choice. My full school life I did not like being in boarding school. I hated school. I loved being part of sports.
At the age of 18, I returned to South Africa and realized my dad was an alcoholic and after so many years my father came to fetch me and left me sitting at the airport for an hour while he went drinking at the bar. I was upset but with my mum not my dad. When I got home my mother was waiting for me at the entrance of our shop and I got out of the car and walked straight into the house. Did not speak to my mum I was so angry.
My mum and dad were very strict could not go out or meet friends as well. Due to that, I felt unloved. I was working at this time and met my partner and ran away from home to marry him as my parents did not want me to get married. This is when my life began. I met into an accident when my husband got angry with his brother while driving to a party and this was the first time I realized that he has a temper. But looked past it.
Little did I know that his anger was more than what I saw. In my 2nd year of marriage, I started getting assaulted called dumb and stupid. Fat and always criticizing me. I used to cry myself to my sleep. The assault used to be regular even though he was cheating I got a hiding. To a point, I tried to commit suicide 3 times. My girls were so small I could not leave them or go anywhere especially when there is no place to go.i had 2 miscarriages. He did not have one more kids, so got medication from his friend to abort the child. It took 12 years before I got divorced. Once I got divorced he use to come to my mother’s place and still make trouble. For 5 years this carried on. The pain and trauma I could not handle.
As the children grew up he then stopped contacting me. I went through challenges and was broken. I still had no support from my family. I kept falling and picking myself up, my health deteriorating and my children were concerned. One day my daughter came across a lady who was working with some herbal medicine. My girls wanted me to meet this woman and see if she could help me. I had nothing to lose and decided to meet her.
It was the best thing that ever happened because I met the most phenomenal woman by the name of Ashika Singh who changed my life. Kind, loving, pure, compassionate and full of fun. We connected immediately. Ashika helped me with my health and I became much stronger.
In 2013 I decided to take an Aupair job in Polokwane to assist an Indian family to take care of their four and eight-year-old kids. I had to stay at the families home. It was exciting but was nervous as well. Not knowing about the background I took the job. It was not even a week and the man of the house started talking dirty and wanted to sleep with me. Then he stopped me to use the phone and told me he had cameras in the house. He and his wife use to take each child to drop them off at school. The wife use to leave and the husband as soon as they dropped off the children they were supposed to go to work and come home for lunch. But the husband use to go and drop the child and come home and force himself on me and rape me. I could not scream or tell anyone. This happened for 3 months. I then decided to tell my soul sister who called me and sat on the phone talking to me so that he does not touch me. His wife was not aware but he use to remind me of my ex-husband who use to scream and shout as well as use vulgar language. I was so scared tha I could not sleep. I use to put earphones into my ears and listen to all my soul gospel songs that kept me going.
I then told my daughter who decided to fetch me by this time I was very I’ll. When she came to fetch me I could not speak and walk. I kept gagging. Was hurt and in pain tired as well. I felt helpless and angry. And when I had to tell my children what happened I was so embarrassed and blamed myself. This took me into depression and I did not want to live. I could not eat or sleep. It was so hard. I layed a charge but when you don’t have the money you cannot do much. He was bailed out and the case dragged right through the year only to hear the case closed. This made me angrier.
Even I was assaulted and raped. I saw myself as a victim; so many people were sharing their stories as survivors, but I didn’t see myself as one. It was overwhelming. I wanted to get past it, but I didn’t know-how.
It was too hard for me to read article after article describing others’ experiences, and their own recovery processes seemed far away and impossible. All I knew was I wanted to get better but the fear and not believing in myself made it impossible. I lost all my confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Self-care is the way in which we care for our mental, emotional and physical health. It’s activities we do to keep us as our best selves. Practicing self-care is an action-oriented way that we can show ourselves self-love. Self-love is exactly what it sounds like, loving yourself. It means loving all aspects of yourself, by accepting your flaws, your weaknesses and the things you don’t always like about yourself. It is also about holding high standards for your own well-being and happiness.
For many people, concepts of self-care and self-love can be new. After all, we are often taught that prioritizing yourself or your needs is selfish and that you should focus your energies on other people. But practicing self-love doesn’t make you selfish, or a narcissist, it just means that you won’t settle for less than you deserve, because you understand and respect your own needs. Practicing self-care and self-love often just means extending the same respect and care you have for others to yourself. We have all heard the saying treat others how you want to be treated. But when thinking about self-love and self-care it is often important to consider the opposite. Treat yourself with the same kindness and grace you extend to friends, families and loved ones in your life. We are often much kinder to our loved ones than we are to ourselves.
As the saying goes, we are often our own worst critics. Practicing self-love means ditching that old adage and moving forward, by creating an environment for yourself in which you can make mistakes, grow and flourish. Self-love is a great goal to have, but in practice, it may seem a bit abstract to try and achieve, especially if you are not in the habit of practicing self-care.
Self-care is a practice that can lead you to more self-love over time. Self-love is not something that will happen for you overnight, especially if you are coming from a place of self-hate, harsh criticism, perfectionism, etc., etc., but it can be slowly incorporated into your life through consistent acts of self-care. Working self-care into your routine with small, achievable steps will increase your self-kindness, self-love and common humanity.